This milestone snuck up on me. This is something I haven’t really thought about in a long time. That’s a good thing because it means my mind is in a good place, however, reflection is something I find extremely important.
“If you could see where Jesus brought me from to where I am today. Then you would know the reason why I love Him so” These words are not just song lyrics, but such a true statement! 8 years ago Jesus helped me to end my addiction to cutting. It was something I did because at the time it was the only thing I could think of to help me cope and survive. 8 years ago Jesus brought me from a mind that was so dark and confused, that I thought if there was a God, He wanted me to take my own life. So that’s what I planned on doing that summer. 8 years ago I was cutting several times an hour...a minute....because it helped me breathe and released my anxiety for a short moment. 8 years ago I was going to give into the voices telling me “nows the time, do it, no one can stop you, end it all!” 8 years ago, as if someone just turned on a light switch, that darkness was all able to go away. I haven’t cut since this day 8 years ago. I just stopped cold turkey. I still can’t get over that!! Did the thoughts go away? No. Were the voices still there prompting me? Yes. But this was the beginning of my conversion. The voices weren’t as tempting, because I knew better. They screamed at me and pushed me to the edge, but this is when I learned that I didn’t have to jump off the edge just because that’s where I was. I can call on Jesus, and He will remove and destroy the obstacles in my way not allowing me to walk away from that edge. Let me make clear, that I still struggle. Not everyday, but every so often my past tries to sneak back in. Sometimes it succeeds, but just because it visits doesn’t mean it gets to take up residence again. I still have anxiety. I still get depressed. Sometimes, I still want to cut. That’s how my brain was wired for a long time. It’s still my first instinct when I’m upset. But it doesn’t win! That darkness doesn’t live here anymore. It doesn’t get to control me. Now, Jesus lives here and I give God control! He changed my life completely in a moment. After that moment, I was convinced. I saw hope for the first time in four years, and I wanted that feeling to stay. 8 years ago was almost the end, instead it was the beginning of a new life!
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July 2019
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