Have you ever felt so lost but so found at the same time? You’re not sure where your life is going, but you’re at peace with that. Like you’re not sure what is coming, but you know when it does, it’s going to be something good. That when it comes, it’s going to make sense and piece everything back together. I recently had a meltdown. It was probably my biggest meltdown in a long time, to be honest. I’ve been dealing with a lot. I’ve been sick constantly. My coworker/friend passed away suddenly. Everything hit me all at once and I suddenly couldn’t breath. Keep it together, Kristina. You need to focus. But I couldn’t focus. Because I couldn’t breathe. Looking back, I think the problem was I didn’t have time to process my feelings with everything I had going on. I was sick and tired. I was in shock. I was sad.... Hurt. Angry. Confused. Frustrated. Scared. Panicked. Stressed. But there was no time to feel any of these things. There was too much to be done. Too much at stake. People say, well isn’t that life? Yes. It is. But sometimes in life your body or your mind can’t handle it all. Those times are life as well. This was one of those times in my life. Everything was hitting me at once. At every angle. And I broke down. I said I was fine. I was keeping it together. And then I wasn’t. I never cried so hard in my entire life. And that’s when I knew, I couldn’t do it all anymore. It wasn’t doing me any good. I wasn’t doing any good. My best wasn’t being put forward. I was barely getting by. I quit student teaching. It still hurts my heart to say it. I feel like a failure when I bring it up. But I also feel great relief. And I feel such strong hope and joy for the future. I see so many possibilities and directions I can go in. I feel happiness and peace. I’m still getting my degree. I just will not have my teaching license. Maybe I’m not finishing the conventional way. And yes, I was so close to finishing. But I wasn’t finishing well. I physically, mentally, and emotionally was not well. The work I was completing wasn’t well. However, I am completing a giant piece of my puzzle. A huge chunk can be checked off of my list. This is not a step back. This is STILL a step forward. This is still progress. It may not be the exact progress I thought I was going to make, but it doesn’t make it any less of an accomplishment. It just means there’s much more that I get to discover. There’s another piece to my puzzle I didn’t even know I NEEDED. My puzzle is much bigger and better than I thought it was! How exciting it is to discover a missing piece; to realize you’ve finished a huge chunk and now are beginning to complete another one! And how calming it is to see God working in our “messes” and turning them into messages that say: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. This is just one part of Gods plan for my life. There’s a whole other part that He has planned, and I can’t wait to see what He has in store for me! Much love and God bless, -X
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AuthorVerse of the DayArchives
July 2019
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