My Testimony
When I was a freshman in high school I was suffering from depression. I woke up one day feeling blue and it eventually became my normal. The littlest things would send me deeper and deeper into depression and I didn’t even realize what was happening. Then one day as I slipped a hall pass into my pocket, the jagged corner scrapped my arm. I gasped, but I felt alive for the first time in a long time. Before I realized what I was getting myself into I had five more scrapes to match my accidental one. That was the first time I cut myself it and was just the beginning of what became an addiction to self-harm. Any time I felt numb, or upset, anxious, or angry I would “have” to cut. When I tried my hardest not to, or wasn’t able to, I would have a panic attack. I relied on it, depended on it, and didn’t know how to go a day without it. As confusing as it may sound, I felt like it was the only thing keeping me alive.
Sophomore year came and I decided to try online schooling to see if it would help my situation. In reality, it made matters much worse. By doing this I was isolated and did not have the motivation to learn. I failed four classes that year and my depression extended.
Junior year I went back to my high school and I went from a great high to a very deep low, and it was noticeable. My history teacher (who I wouldn’t have had if it wasn’t for failing the year before) grew concerned and thankfully came to my aid. I was very happy to have her to go to and she led me to a school counselor who helped me through as well. This is when my parents found out and I will just simply say it is number one on my list of my least favorite moments.
Senior year I participated in all the senior excitement; I also panicked because I had no idea what to expect outside the walls of high school. Realizing after graduation that I’d have to start over was my greatest fear. This never crossed my mind before and I realized I thought I’d be dead before I would have to worry about graduating. I guess somewhere inside me I knew that’s what I was doing, subconsciously maybe? That’s where suicide actually started to appeal to me. I always shoved it off; I couldn’t do that to my family, especially to my little siblings and my niece. I couldn’t even imagine having them go through that. It was not an option for me. But I continued to have these thoughts, and cutting wasn’t enough for me after a while. I had to go further, go deeper. These thoughts added a fourth person to my support system and I am so thankful because she not only talked with me with how I was feeling but helped me get caught up with all my school work when I found out 3 days before grades were due that I was not going to be able to graduate.
Once I graduated I lost my support system and the thoughts I had to end my life increased immensely. During this time I didn’t like church at all. I was raised in the church with my family, but since we moved a lot there was a period of time where we weren’t able to attend very often, so I didn’t really grow up in church. I never felt like I fit in when we were able to go either. Sometimes there wasn’t even a Sunday school class for my age. Baptism wasn’t “in the cards” and after those four years of high school, I doubted God all together. If there was a God, I truly thought He wanted me to die. It made sense to me at the time. I was at the lowest I ever fell and for some reason I felt to contact a brother from Inner City. I didn’t know this brother very well, but I knew of him from visiting my sister, Linda, during the summers. I messaged him everything I just professed in this testimony. This brother became my new support system and it was refreshing! He opened my mind and although we haven’t talked for long at the time, his support and guidance prepared me for what was to come at World Conference a few weeks later. I actually was able to enjoy myself while I was there and I even made some friends, who also attended Inner City.
A few weeks after World Conference Linda wanted me to come to Inner City to help with their VBS. I debated on going because my family was preparing to move again and we were not sure where we were going to end up. Times were stressful and I was starting to feel that low again. However, I felt compelled to go so I could finally talk with the brother in person. I am so happy that I did too, because my life literally changed forever. I went in that summer with my walls up because my plans on suicide were getting more serious. I believe now that is why I felt to message that brother, because if I never started talking with him I may have stayed home that summer and not have felt that I needed to go.
I felt hope that summer for the first time in almost four years! I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way, why not the year before when I attended their VBS as well? Looking back, I feel like The Lord may have been calling me. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life after high school or what would become of me, and that’s why I was panicking. My answer was to end my life; His answer was to start a new one. Between all the love I was shown that summer, the friendships I made, and some heart to hearts, I was determined to change. July 29th 2011 I promised the brother I was talking to that I would stop cutting and I am blessed to say that I have kept that promised to this day. It has been 3 years!
After VBS I thought for sure my family was meant to move to Michigan to attend Inner City. Instead, my family ended up moving to Maineville Ohio where we attended the Cincinnati/Morrow mission. I was heartbroken and didn’t understand why we were there when we knew no one from that area. I then realized I needed to be there to practice my faith. I felt that God was testing me. He showed me what I was missing, He helped me realize what I needed, but He wasn’t just going to hand it to me, I had to earn it. So I turned to Him, kept in touch with the brother and my friends, visited on holidays and stayed strong.
Almost exactly one year later circumstances with my dad’s job made it so we were able to move to Michigan and attend Inner City. If my dad never accepted the job that moved us to Maineville, he would have never been able to accept the job that allowed us to move to Michigan. God is good! March 27th 2013 on a Wednesday night I finally asked for my baptism! The gift of tongues was spoken and translated to “A calling that is true, saith The Lord, a calling that is true!” On April 7th 2013 I finally went into the water and became a sister of The Church of Jesus Christ. I was beyond blessed that day!
To think if I had made a few changes in my decisions how different things would be. I see now how The Lord molded me and guided me to where I am today and how He led me to the water’s edge. He turned all that I went through into something positive, by showing me where I would be without Him. My faith wouldn’t be as strong as it is today if I wasn’t able to understand this. I know now that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever and that He’s guiding us through with a better plan than we can ever comprehend. And I can testify to that!
Sophomore year came and I decided to try online schooling to see if it would help my situation. In reality, it made matters much worse. By doing this I was isolated and did not have the motivation to learn. I failed four classes that year and my depression extended.
Junior year I went back to my high school and I went from a great high to a very deep low, and it was noticeable. My history teacher (who I wouldn’t have had if it wasn’t for failing the year before) grew concerned and thankfully came to my aid. I was very happy to have her to go to and she led me to a school counselor who helped me through as well. This is when my parents found out and I will just simply say it is number one on my list of my least favorite moments.
Senior year I participated in all the senior excitement; I also panicked because I had no idea what to expect outside the walls of high school. Realizing after graduation that I’d have to start over was my greatest fear. This never crossed my mind before and I realized I thought I’d be dead before I would have to worry about graduating. I guess somewhere inside me I knew that’s what I was doing, subconsciously maybe? That’s where suicide actually started to appeal to me. I always shoved it off; I couldn’t do that to my family, especially to my little siblings and my niece. I couldn’t even imagine having them go through that. It was not an option for me. But I continued to have these thoughts, and cutting wasn’t enough for me after a while. I had to go further, go deeper. These thoughts added a fourth person to my support system and I am so thankful because she not only talked with me with how I was feeling but helped me get caught up with all my school work when I found out 3 days before grades were due that I was not going to be able to graduate.
Once I graduated I lost my support system and the thoughts I had to end my life increased immensely. During this time I didn’t like church at all. I was raised in the church with my family, but since we moved a lot there was a period of time where we weren’t able to attend very often, so I didn’t really grow up in church. I never felt like I fit in when we were able to go either. Sometimes there wasn’t even a Sunday school class for my age. Baptism wasn’t “in the cards” and after those four years of high school, I doubted God all together. If there was a God, I truly thought He wanted me to die. It made sense to me at the time. I was at the lowest I ever fell and for some reason I felt to contact a brother from Inner City. I didn’t know this brother very well, but I knew of him from visiting my sister, Linda, during the summers. I messaged him everything I just professed in this testimony. This brother became my new support system and it was refreshing! He opened my mind and although we haven’t talked for long at the time, his support and guidance prepared me for what was to come at World Conference a few weeks later. I actually was able to enjoy myself while I was there and I even made some friends, who also attended Inner City.
A few weeks after World Conference Linda wanted me to come to Inner City to help with their VBS. I debated on going because my family was preparing to move again and we were not sure where we were going to end up. Times were stressful and I was starting to feel that low again. However, I felt compelled to go so I could finally talk with the brother in person. I am so happy that I did too, because my life literally changed forever. I went in that summer with my walls up because my plans on suicide were getting more serious. I believe now that is why I felt to message that brother, because if I never started talking with him I may have stayed home that summer and not have felt that I needed to go.
I felt hope that summer for the first time in almost four years! I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way, why not the year before when I attended their VBS as well? Looking back, I feel like The Lord may have been calling me. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life after high school or what would become of me, and that’s why I was panicking. My answer was to end my life; His answer was to start a new one. Between all the love I was shown that summer, the friendships I made, and some heart to hearts, I was determined to change. July 29th 2011 I promised the brother I was talking to that I would stop cutting and I am blessed to say that I have kept that promised to this day. It has been 3 years!
After VBS I thought for sure my family was meant to move to Michigan to attend Inner City. Instead, my family ended up moving to Maineville Ohio where we attended the Cincinnati/Morrow mission. I was heartbroken and didn’t understand why we were there when we knew no one from that area. I then realized I needed to be there to practice my faith. I felt that God was testing me. He showed me what I was missing, He helped me realize what I needed, but He wasn’t just going to hand it to me, I had to earn it. So I turned to Him, kept in touch with the brother and my friends, visited on holidays and stayed strong.
Almost exactly one year later circumstances with my dad’s job made it so we were able to move to Michigan and attend Inner City. If my dad never accepted the job that moved us to Maineville, he would have never been able to accept the job that allowed us to move to Michigan. God is good! March 27th 2013 on a Wednesday night I finally asked for my baptism! The gift of tongues was spoken and translated to “A calling that is true, saith The Lord, a calling that is true!” On April 7th 2013 I finally went into the water and became a sister of The Church of Jesus Christ. I was beyond blessed that day!
To think if I had made a few changes in my decisions how different things would be. I see now how The Lord molded me and guided me to where I am today and how He led me to the water’s edge. He turned all that I went through into something positive, by showing me where I would be without Him. My faith wouldn’t be as strong as it is today if I wasn’t able to understand this. I know now that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever and that He’s guiding us through with a better plan than we can ever comprehend. And I can testify to that!