In medical terms I learned that the abbreviation “R/O” stands for “rule out”, as in looking further into this possible diagnosis to see if they can rule it out. As of a few months ago, my chart now includes a new note that says “R/O PTSD”.
This is a new one. For those that don’t know, PTSD stands for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have always been an open book with everyone when it comes to my mental health and discussing the ups and downs and all that I’ve been through. I do this to show people that mental illness is not an uncommon thing and that people can feel that it is ok to talk about because it’s not weird, I’d say it’s actually quite normal. Everyone has something they go through. But this PTSD thing is throwing me off. I don’t know how to talk about this. I don’t even know how to describe this or express my thoughts on this situation. Writing like this, out in the open, is very therapeutic for me. Knowing I am sending my thoughts out into the world, it’s almost like setting it all free. Kind of like a confession I guess, but with a hope that someone may read it and realize they are not alone. It’s my group therapy with the world, or the very small part that reads my blog anyways. Which is why it is so hard to write about this when I don’t know how to explain. Something happened, or may not have happened, in my past to cause this. It’s been on my mind for years now and I’m finally confronting it. I believe something probably did happen, I am just very unsure of all the particulars. This makes me think I’m crazy. How can I claim this or feel this way with absolutely no memory of this possible event happening? But if nothing happened why do I have the strong feeling that something did? I’m not even sure if I’m going to end up actually posting this because...well...what if nothing ever happened and I actually am just a tad bit crazy. What is people this I’m crazy? I’m not even sure if this post makes any sense. I might very well wake up in the morning and delete this completely. But I want to be open about these things. People shouldn’t feel crazy for going through stuff! No one should feel how I currently feel. When I started this blog site I said there would never be any negative or depressing posts. Everything would end on a positive note. This one is no different. This trial is no different. It will end on a positive note. I will figure this out, just as I figured out all the rest. With God. He knows what is going on with me, He knows how I feel, and He has all the answers that I am looking for. Most importantly, He knows what He’s doing and His plan is perfect. So I will continue to put my faith in Him and pray for His strength to help me through. I ask for your prayers tonight. And pray that whoever reads this knows you are not alone in whatever you may be going through. Your feelings are valid. Much love & God bless, -X
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July 2019
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