I know I just wrote about camp, but I've been mentally preparing myself. I started thinking about what I struggled with most last year. Opening up to people is very hard for me to do, especially with people in my age group. Between moving all the time growing up and fallout friendships, I don't think I've been able to keep a friendship going for more than 5 years straight. At the same time, I've been deceived, ghosted, judged, and have had fake friendships more than I can count. That's just the life I was given, perhaps because God knew I could handle it. Other times I think it was because I needed a lesson in not being so reliant on other people and their opinions on me.
Which is something I'm still working on. As you can tell by most of my posts, I over analyze a lot. Mostly over myself. Why am I reacting this way? When this happens does it cause me to feel this and why? How can I change this habit? Etc. So last year I struggled with opening up. I wanted to, a lot, but I couldn't. I've been asking myself, why? Well, I felt I couldn't trust people. Why? Past experiences. Ah, the past and how it comes back to haunt us. Friends in the church is a really hard topic for me. From the ages of 8-18 I didn't have any. Not a one. I met people briefly here and there, but nothing stuck. Personally, I felt more victimized and bullied around my church peers growing up than I did in all the schools I've attended combined. That is just my personal experience. I think that is the main reason I feel as though I can't open up in my seminars at camp. The funny thing is, I don't think any one of those people who were in my seminar last year were one of the people who hurt me before. It is just so intimidating seeing everyone so close. They all grew up with each other. Attended all the church functions together since they were young. Keep in touch. They're all friends. And then there's me. I've built a wall miles high. Pieced it together with blood, sweat, and tears. Fine Italian craftsmanship, sturdy and stubborn as ever. Does this help my dilemma? No, not really. If anything, it probably holds me back. My skill of survival and protection has now become the main problem. So again, I analyze: I didn't open up. Why? I felt I couldn't trust people. Why? Past experiences. How can I move past this? How can I remove this wall I've built separating me and everyone else? How can I fix this problem? I've gone over this a thousand times. Each time I only come up with one answer. I have to step out on faith. This is probably a control freaks hardest reality to face. I can't control this situation if I want to open up and participate in class. I can't control what other people think, what they say, or how they react. I just can't. The only thing I can do is give it to God and step out on faith. The wall has to come down. So I'm sticking with that resolution and I'm done analyzing. And I'm praying that I'll find the strength to tear down those walls four weeks from now at camp! God will not lead me where the Grace of God will not protect me. Much love and God bless, -X
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Today is June 2, which means camp is exactly a month away! Let the anxiety commence! I have to say though, I am feeling extremely blessed today.
Rewinding back to a few weeks ago I was at church talking with a few people about camp and had a scare. I couldn't remember if the camp fund was for under 23 or 23 and under. I went to the form on my phone real quick and saw the form read under 23. Turning 23 last month, this would mean camp was no longer free for me to attend. This would make it impossible for me to go with such a sudden realization. In tears, I was silently praying that it would still be possible to go and tried to push through the rest of church. Afterwards, I went to the car and looked again to see if I misread. All of a sudden something caught my eye on the first page before the forms. Sure enough, it mentioned how they changed the age to 23 and under! I immediately started bawling right there in the car in front of all my family, and I am not a public cryer! I was in such relief and was so blessed in that moment. Now all I had to do was find a way to camp. In order to find a way, I talked with a few people to see if they could help with my search. Fast forward to yesterday, as I was awaiting a response, someone saw one of my status updates and very generously offered me a way to camp and back if needed. I was absolutely in shock! Everything was falling so perfectly into place. This was an answer to my prayers and I knew this was God's work making this all possible! Anxiety was not too far behind in my feelings line up. That's when I realized, there is no reason at all to be nervous. God provided my way to camp so perfectly. He's not sending me to camp to make something terrible happen. There is obviously nothing but joy ahead and blessings to be had next month! It was suddenly obvious to me that the opposition is already trying to steal that joy away. So no, I will NOT let the opposition win. I will be excited for camp this year. I will push through my anxiety and make new friends, participate when I feel prompted, and not let anything or anyone hold me back from experiencing all the blessings camp has to offer. I will not be shy or self-conscious, but unapologetically me, just as I made my New Years resolution, because I am fearfully and wonderfully made! God has amazing plans in store for campout, I just feel it. And I, by all means, want to be a part of those plans! So, let the countdown to camp begin! Hope to see you all there! Much love and God bless, -X |
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July 2019
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