Yesterday I went to see a psychiatrist for the first time.
I said it. It's officially out there. After almost a decade of struggling with depression, and now anxiety, I have officially been diagnosed and prescribed medication for the first time. I don't know why I'm embarrassed or shy to talk about it. I've written about my depression and anxiety. I've mentioned several times in the past the things I faced that went along with them. And yet for some reason I couldn't mention the word psychiatrist. I feel like going to see a doctor for mental health, and mental health/illness in general, is given a bad rep. You are not crazy for going to see a doctor for mental health reasons. You are not insane for needing medication for it either. Depression may be an "invisible illness" but let's look at it this way... If someone has cancer, or diabetes, and they see a doctor for help, do people scoff at their decision to seek help? Do they call them crazy for taking medication? Do they tell them to "get over it"? Do they tell them to put it in The Lords hands and that going to see a doctor shows lack of faith? The answer is no. Because they are ill and need help. Sometimes it is out of your own control. Depression is an illness. It is NOT being sad. You cannot just "get over it". You learn to live with it, and sometimes that means you need medication to manage it. This can be said for all mental illnesses. God has blessed doctors to be able to give us treatment for all kinds of mental and physical illnesses. I am not saying that God cannot perform miracles, because He does everyday. However, sometimes miracles come in the form of finding the right medication, or receiving help when you need it... and sometimes you have to go forth in prayer. Is it not in James 2:14-26 that it says how "faith without works is dead"? So I saw a psychiatrist. And I was prescribed medication. And that's ok. That does not make me weak. I am not weak for admitting that I need help. I am not weak for not being able to control this on my own. I am courageous. I am strong. I am brave. Courage is doing something that frightens you. I am frightened that I have come to a point where my mental illness is beyond my own control. I believe it also takes courage to step out on faith. It takes courage to say "I can't do this alone anymore." and trust that The Lord will provide me with doctors that can help me and understand me from a Christian viewpoint (which He has!). It takes courage to speak out on something that is uncomfortable to talk about. And unfortunately, it takes a lot of courage to admit that I'm only human. I am human. I am flawed. I am different. I am the furthest thing from perfect. And that's ok. It is ok if you need help. It is ok to be human. Know that you are not alone today. Much love and God bless, -X
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Last year after campout I came home uplifted, but disappointed. The theme was Free, and I was ready to set myself free of fear. I started off great, I began by actually go to camp. And that's all I really did. I attended camp. I stayed in my comfort zone. I didn't talk in class. I didn't introduce myself to anyone new. I didn't open up. I certainly didn't Free myself as much as I wanted to. So once I came home and realized that I missed out on some great opportunities, I told myself next year, should I get the chance, I wanted to be ready to participate and let go. Wouldn't you know, the entire time at camp all I heard was "let go" preached/said at least 5 different times. I told myself I was ready! This was a sign from God that I can do this! Monday I had two opportunities to talk, in seminars and in the black box meeting for the young people. I didn't let go...and I began to beat myself up. I also started to lose my voice. It was as if satan was mocking me saying "let's see you conquer your fear now! Good luck honoring God without a voice!" I knew this was another obstacle He was throwing at me so I got anointed and told myself I would be better in the morning. Tuesday arrived and I wasn't better. I was in pain. I got anointed a second time, headed to seminars, and I spoke! I sounded like a chain smoker, but I conquered my fear! In my mind, it was like volunteering for The Hunger Games, but I did it! I also got anointed again to ensure a better day and continual success in the courage department. Wednesday I woke up and there was no more pain in my throat!! I praised God and was ready to participate. But I didn't. It was as if my lips were sealed shut and my brain was scrambled eggs. I began to feel terrified that this camp was going to be disastrous. My fear was I would leave my last day of seminar depressed for not tearing down the wall. I suddenly had the idea to talk with my seminar teacher, Bro. Doug, for help. The 19-25-year-old seminar was just what I needed. We were learning how our mind and how our heart works, separately and together. Sometimes they get in the way or one overpowers the other, but we can use them together to honor God. This was where I struggled. It was confirmed in class that I was a very analytical person. This was not news to me, but was a confirmation that my mind was getting in the way of my heart once again. I realized this wall of mine sees emotion as a threat. It shuts it down so I don’t lose control, and when I lose control I become vulnerable. When I become vulnerable, I get hurt. But my heart has been screaming to be heard. And my heart deserves a say. Luckily, the talk with Bro. Doug lifted my spirits immensely and for the first time that week I went to bed in peace. He made me realize that my "all or nothing", "go big or go home" attitude I had for myself was not fair to me. I have been living my life behind my wall for years! It is going to take time to train myself to live such a different life, just as if a person were getting into a new exercise routine. One doesn't just jump off their couch and run a marathon without training first. Little by little they get stronger and train their muscles to adapt to the change in lifestyle. My brain is still in training to stop getting in the way of God's prompting spirit. And my heart is still training so I stop getting ahead of myself to avoid anxiety. They are also both training together now to learn how to work with each other, such as my brain is learning to tell my heart to calm down when I get overly excited and want to bite off more than I can chew. He also told me to remember my victories. I'll be honest, I didn't see much victory yet. But I had one more day. Thursday I spoke again! And I cried like a baby! And I spoke with so many people in seminar! I could not believe what was happening. I was so happy that I was crying and letting go, that I started to laugh. I'm sure I looked ridiculous, but I didn't care. I could literally feel the wall that I built years ago fall to pieces...about half way. Once seminars ended I immediately started to over analyze every single detail. And then I recalled what was said..."remember your victories". I was still victorious. I can only fail if I don't try. I moved forward. I learned. I grew. The theme to camp was "The Way" and I guess the way to Jesus isn't a road, but a lifestyle. You learn to use the type of personality and traits God gave you to honor Him the best that you can. By learning this throughout this past week I have been extremely blessed. I made friends when I thought I couldn't. I participated when I thought I couldn't. I cried when I thought I couldn't. And I trusted when I thought I couldn't. I was victorious! And I learned The Way! The wall is starting to tumble. "Clear eyes. Full heart. Can't lose." And if I continue to seek God's help, I know I'll have the strength to make it collapse completely. "My way. No way. HIS way!" His way is THE WAY. Much love and God bless, -X |
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July 2019
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