I recently started going to a new therapist. Naturally, I had to tell my life story to him so he could get to know my situation and properly diagnose me. However, as I was telling him my life story it felt like just that…a story. Not the slightest bit did it feel like the memories I were telling were mine. I almost felt like I was making it up, that none of that actually happened; that I am fine and being over dramatic.
But it did. On this day every year I make sure to reminder myself that all of those stories I told were not stories, but my life experiences. They are mine and will always be mine. I have to keep reminding myself of that because it is where God brought me from and if it were not for Him I would not be here today. This day is the day I consider discovering The Lord. July 29th 2011. It was around the end of VBS for the week in Inner City and I had plans that summer. I had a time frame and date in mind to take my own life. I was determined, I was stubborn, and there was no going back. The Lord shook His head and put many road blocks, aka blessings, in my way and my world turned upside, aka right side up for the first time in four years. Just as you would turn on a light switch, that is how quickly everything changed. God turned the lights on in my mind. I used to cut myself several times a day, sometimes several times an hour, and I completely quit cold turkey. I saw something to live for again. The lies that the devil was filling my head with slowly, but surely, dispersed. My. Life. Changed. God did this for ME. He spared me! How amazing is that? This is why I make sure to force myself to remember those bad times, the cuts, the tears, the voices, the suicidal thoughts, every little nasty bit, because I am no longer in that place and that is ONLY because of God! It was a lot of work, He didn’t make it a magical cure, it is still a constant internal job in my head to stay on path with God. But when I knocked He did not turn me away because I was too “damaged”, He held the door wide open for me and it is my job to make sure that door stays shut, but never forgetting what lies on the other side. God is good all the time. Do not limit what God can do for you in your life! Let Him help you. Much love and God bless, -X
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My first instinct when meeting anyone around my age is that they don’t like me. It has always been that way, probably a side effect of moving constantly growing up and always being the new kid. I never felt accepted or wanted. Some of it caused by, what I call, PTTD-Post Traumatic Teenage Disorder, most from my own anxiety. Since I started attending Campouts in 2015 I have really had to push myself out of my comfort zone. Each camp I attended I became better at doing that, but I still never felt like I truly belong. I never felt all the way IN.
See what I did there? When this years theme was IN I was first confused, but immediately thought how I never felt IN at campouts. I knew this was not really the intention of the theme, and not to boast myself up, but for the most part I have always felt like I was all in serving God because I do the best I can. So for me, I made this theme slightly different for myself and made it goal of finally feeling IN this year. I was tired of being the victim. Every year at camp I would just cry because I so badly just wanted to feel like I belonged. I was never victimized, but I put myself in these positions because I continually have to work on my social anxiety. At the end of camp I never felt like I was finished there, it was like I was just getting comfortable and just started to open up and it’d be time to leave. This year I felt IN. I felt like my time was well spent. I feel like I made the most of my trip and I feel good about every decision I made. I made new friends, participated, testified, opened up and enjoyed every minute! The opposition worked hardcore to ruin my time from the moment I showed up, but once I got my sacrament and seminars hit there was no bringing me down. It took me 3 years to do it, but I finally left camp feeling fulfilled instead of incomplete. I also thank God because there was no post camp depression for me this year. I am always sad when camp is over and when I get back to my life after camp it hits me hard and I go into a deep depression. This year, despite the oppositions jabs at me from the moment I got in the car to come home, I haven’t experienced any depression! I am so grateful to God for what He does in my life. I know this Campout would not have been such a success if I did not attend the year before, where it confirmed to me that I needed professional help with my depression and anxiety. From then on things have continued to go full speed ahead for me and I owe it all to God! For ANYONE who struggles with the same problems of filling IN when they go to camp, or any church events, please do not give up! Message me, find me, and we will hang out. It has taken me my whole life growing up in the church to get to the point I am at today and I do not want anyone to struggle as long as I did. I am praying for all of you! Much love and God bless, -X |
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July 2019
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