As much as I felt thankful during this holiday brake, mental illness never ceases to strike to try and steal my joy.
I suppose it’s my own fault. During this break I skipped my Prozac one night. I made sure to take it the next night, but then the night after that I fell asleep before I had a chance. This is usually not a big issue. This time it was a big issue. Black Friday, was indeed, a Black Friday. I went out shopping with my sister and my nieces. It was all fine and dandy. Until I couldn’t really find anything to buy that got me excited. I knew this was lame and not a big deal. I knew where it was coming from. I shook it off. I was fine. I came home. I was tired. I could feel something was off. I knew it was consuming me. But still, I was fine. Until I wasn’t. Until I was bawling my eyes out. My emotions changing every few minutes. Furious. Depressed. Anxious. Hurt. I felt like I was having a temper tantrum. You guys, I caught myself as I almost screamed at my mother saying “you don’t understand!!!” Like I was 16 again. That’s when it hit me...that this little sway in my routine made a big difference. It may have been ok one time to miss a few days of my medicine here and there, but not this time. Mental illness is not very predictable. And the opposition loves to throw curve balls when you think everything is fine. He loves to take your moments of peace and joy and stomp all over them. But knowing where your feelings are coming from and how you can cope and fix it is half the battle. When you’re down it is an opportunity to learn, grow, and be stronger for next time. That next moment you feel blessed and are praising God, and Satan is all “I’ll just see about that...” You’ll be ready! You’ll be able to flick him away like the insignificant gnat that he is and say “Not today Satan!” Because God allows all things to come together for our good! I struggle. Often. But that struggle reminds me of how God works everyday in my life. How He saved me at my lowest. It makes my faith stronger. My mental illness is my testimony to how INCREDIBLE God is! Moral of the story? The opposition is sneaky and petty and will try to wreck you every chance he gets, but God knows this. He sees you. He hears you. He’s. Got. This! Use the tools He gives you and what He’s taught you, and know that He’ll take it from there. Much love and God bless, -X
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Happy Thanksgiving everyone! The year 2018 has been such a blessing and I have so much to be thankful for! I started off the year having my weight loss surgery in February! It was so easy and smooth for me and in recovery I needed no pain meds! Not to mention the whole surgery ended up being free!
The blessings were just getting started after my surgery! I finished off the school year at Park Street preschool with some amazing people l, went into my summer job at the Kroc Center day camp, having a blast as always, and saw Taylor Swift! Then I headed to California for the summer! My first time traveling alone and on a plane!! Camp out, Universal, Disney, the ocean, and FAMILY! Such an amazing experience! When the summer ended I was stuck for a minute as I was trying to find another part time job with children. Thankfully I got to know some people at the Kroc center over the summer and was able to get a position with their after school program. I honestly think this is one of the best things that’s ever happen to me! I feel so welcomed and a part of something special, and of course all the wonderful kiddos!! Soon after I got that job I did some practicum at Edison elementary and decided that I didn’t want to stop coming, so I signed up to volunteer and ended up in the same classroom! These two things combined, work and volunteering, my cup is seriously overflowing with blessings of cute children and wonderful friendships with staff! I also become a Zumba kid instructor, as I flew to Georgia to get certified and also had a wonderful time with my cousin at her home! I haven’t put this to use yet, but plans for this next year are in the works!! Now for the present! Student teaching is right around the corner after Christmas break! I am preparing for this, graduation, and loving every second of my healthier and happier life!! I am so extremely thankful for all God has provided for me and my family this year and all that’s to come in this next year! My life is coming together and I praise God for His wonderful plan for me and how I can see it happening each day! I hope everyone is having a wonderful Thanksgiving and takes a moment to be thankful for all they have. Much love and God bless, -X Do you ever feel like you’re in mourning? Your life is great. You’re genuinely happy. You see your life progressing and you know The Lord is working with you...but night hits. Everything becomes quiet. Your heart sinks in your chest. Like you lost something?
Is that the depression talking? Just when I think I understand the complexity of depression it surprises me. I’m fully aware of the silliness these feelings are. By silliness I do not mean unimportant, but how unnecessary it is for me to feel like I am mourning anything. There is no logical reason why I should feel so emotional, but here I am, feeling the need to cry while asking myself why in the world do I feel like I just went through a tragic event? There are so many layers and faces to depression. Some may think this sounds similar to other experiences I’ve written about, and you’d be right. They are similar, but slightly different. They all make you feel. Feel A LOT. All at once. But in different ways you didn’t even know you could feel. I am just thankful that this time, I’m aware that I’m ok. I’m aware that I am safe. I know there is nothing to mourn. There is no tragedy currently, nor is one expected to arise anytime soon (I’m talking to you, anxiety!). I am well. My family is well. I KNOW everything is fine. I may not be able to control how I currently feel, but I can control how I respond to these feelings. This time the depression does not control me. Instead, I will write it out. I will get in bed. I will take my medicine, that I thank The Lord He has provided for me, and I will go to sleep. Depression does not get to keep me up tonight and mess with my head. Tonight, depression will be put to rest, because my God is stronger, and I am calling upon Him to remove this unnecessary stress. I took my pills. I said my prayers. I gave it to God. I’ve done all I can do. And suddenly, the world does not feel like it’s falling anymore. There is no more mourning. I can sleep. Remember you can give it to God and go to sleep, too. Much love and God bless, -X |
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July 2019
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