The New Year is approaching and every year I like to reflect on my goals I made for this year and create new ones for the upcoming year. My resolution for 2017 was to "Step into adulthood". To quote my New Year's blog post from last year... "2017 is the year that I am going to thrive and accomplish more than ever! I'd say I am a different person than I was this time last year, but when we fast forward a year from now, I want to have completely transformed my way of living. I feel a strong call to do more and be more, so once again I'm looking to God on what move to make next. So far I've been able to conquer every resolution I've made as long as I turned to Him, and I know He never stirs me wrong." ...boy, was I ambitious! The end of 2016 I felt like I was on top of the world, so I had a tremendous amount of ambition and passion. 2017 came and now it is coming to an end, and I can't help but ask myself, have I failed to meet my goal for the year? Thinking on this and realizing I did not accomplish everything I thought I would in 2017 I started to worry and feel extremely upset. How could I have let this happen? As I stated above, I have never failed as long as I turned to God? Does that mean I was not focused on Him enough? Did I do something wrong? Then I stopped. Because I am better than this. I am not going to let the opposition turn me negative going into the new year. So I pushed those nasty comments and thoughts aside, said not today satan, and try to look at everything I did do this year. (I'm really working on "focus on what I CAN not what I can't" because my therapist knows what's up! lol!) This year I finished the 2016-2017 school year with Ashland Christian. I cried my eyes out on the last day because I knew I was going to miss my babies so much. I worked my first summer job with the Kroc Center and connected with many more tiny humans, even some not so tiny humans, as the 12/13 year old boys were taller than me! I attended my church Camp Out and I rocked it! I felt "IN", I made the most of my time there, and there was no post camp depression (God bless!). I had my first birthday in 5 years where depression did not stand in the way of me experiencing a HAPPY birthday! That was mind blowing because it felt so foreign! I changed therapists, shout out to PFHL! I started working at the Y preschool, made a hard decision to change jobs, started a new job with Park Street Preschool. This was probably the hardest part of my year. I continued with my classes and can now start a timeline of when student teaching starts! My GPA dropped a few points, but learned an important lesson that I do not have to be perfect and a 3.95 is still going strong. I canceled my summer Europe trip, but used the money I got back to buy tickets for California this summer and planned a summer there for camp, staying with family, and experiencing California for the first time (and a weekend in AZ!). I experienced challenges, had breakdowns, and overcame them all with God, bringing me closer to Him and reminding me everyday that I ALWAYS NEED HIM! Oh, and our family got a kitten, Oliver! ADORABLE!! This year has been hard, but good to me! I may not have transformed my life completely like I wanted, but I feel strongly that 2016 was the beginning with "loving myself". That was the start of when I began to change. 2017 was a bridge. It was, indeed, a STEP into adulthood. I stepped onto the bridge that was 2017 and went into the journey that is LIVING. With everything I learned over the past few years I was actually just able to maintain and live! Nothing mind blowing happened, no big, life-altering changes, I was just able to "be". That transformation that I was looking for is coming, I was just a year early. 2018, not that is going to be LIFE CHANGING! I'll become the person I always dreamed of becoming. I'll be so close to starting my teaching career I can taste it! I'll be turning 25!! Traveling across the country! Excelling at living!. THAT'S THE GOAL FOR 2018! To excel at living! Now that I was able to just "be", I shall be extraordinary! I have never felt so ready to begin and take on a new year! I pray you all have a happy New Year and feel like you can be extraordinary in this new year as well! Much love & God bless, -X
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My past blog posts were kind of disheartening. I was struggling a lot the past few months. Recently my meds have been upped once again and I have been doing a lot better. God has been very good and I have not had any meltdowns or panic attacks since, thank God.
I am concerned, however, because my meds have gone as high as they can go. If I happen to have another downward spiral, they cannot make my dosage any higher and would have to switch my medicine. Anyone who deals with mental illness knows how struggling this can be, as you can only find the right medicine for you and your situation through trial and error. I was thankful enough where I did not experience much of this and had quick success with my second try of meds. The first ones I tried I could tell right away that they were only making me worse. Jesus and Prozac have been my go-to combo. I am honestly scared what will happen if I have to start from scratch with a new medicine. I have come so far over the past year and a half. I used to feel paralyzed in my home, not confident that I could do much of anything. My anxiety and depression controlled my life, and now I have a better control of them, and am still learning every day. I’m a year out from being down with school. I have held four different jobs, some part time and one seasonal full time. My thinking process and how I go about day to day is completely different and insanely improved. I know this was all God guiding me through the paths I needed to take to help me with my mental illness. I know He can do it all again if need be. Just wanted to let everybody know that life is good right now. I am good right now. And God is continually Good ALL THE TIME! I just ask for your prayers that this dosage of medicine may be the “magic” dose for me and will not need to be changed or altered anymore. Much love and God bless. -X |
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July 2019
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