So I've been struggling lately. I shared a bit of that in my previous post when I had a mental breakdown. I don't know why I'm struggling, but recently I have just been dealing with reoccurring panic attacks and waves of depression.
My life is good right now. Nothing crazy is happening. I'm doing well. Except I'm not. It'll hit me out of nowhere. More times than not it'll happen at night. It's as if something washes over me and suddenly I feel like I'm going crazy. When this happens I want to do exactly that, go crazy. It's exhausting fighting it. I just want to scream, hit my head against the wall, pull my hair out...cut myself. But I don't. I refuse to feed that addiction. I want that to stay in the past. I WANT to check myself into a mental facility, and I mean that literally. I just want this all to stop. I want to relax and be able to breathe without worry of when the next panic attack will emerge. I want to wake up in the morning and not wonder if depression will be joining me tonight for another slumber party from hell. This would truly be a serious option for me if money were not an issue. Essentially, I'm tired of being scared of my own mind. I've written in the past that I am thankful for that fact, because I wouldn't have the faith that I have today. But I don't want this anymore. I used to be able to shut down these thoughts when they tried to disrupt my life and lately I can't. Nothing I do is enough. Therapy is not enough and I'm always scared again once I leave. My medicine truly makes a HUGE difference, but I fear if they up my dosage once again, it'll end up not being enough as my body grows accustomed to it, for the 3rd time. I don't know what I'm looking for from writing this. I suppose I'm just trying to write through it all, be honest and open, and also sort of a cry for help. I ask an interest in your prayers if you are reading this. God has gotten me through living nightmares from my past and turned them into blessings. I know He can do that again. I know ultimately this is the opposition trying to steal my joy and distract me. With your help and prayers I know this is one battle he will not win. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not ever. I believe it was my friend Larry who sang "God is bigger than the boogie man" (Veggie Tales anyone?). Mental illness is my boogie man, and God is MUCH bigger than my illness. He can heal the lame and blind, He can certainly help me through this, and anyone else who struggles as well. Don't give up and stay strong!!! Much love and God bless, -X
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I recently had a mental breakdown. I was failing my classes because I simply stopped. Everything stopped. I shut down.
I was just going through the motions of everyday. Attending my life, physically but not mentally there. Unless I told you or you live with me you'd probably never know. I was falling a part. I wanted to take a leave of absence from school, but finically could not afford to pay out of pocket to retake the classes. I wanted to check myself into a mental facility, literally, but could not afford to pay for the facility on top of out of pocket for missing my classes. I quit my job, I dropped a class (got a scholarship for the one I'll retake once I pass my current class), and I doubled my therapy sessions. None of these options were convenient. None of these are options I wanted to resort to. It broke my heart to leave the kiddos I got so close too. It sets me back longer for graduation because I dropped a class. I have to budget more time and money for extra therapy sessions. But now I can breathe. Now I'm not crying myself to sleep. I can focus. I can smile without it feeling like a chore. I can stop wanting to constantly bash my head into a wall... I can live to see another day, pick myself up, and start again. So thankful that we have God to get through those hard times and help us start again. Much love and God bless, -X |
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July 2019
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