My resolution last New Years Eve was to fall in love with myself. To quote my blog post from Dec. 2015
"So my main goal for 2016: fall in love with who I am, who I'm becoming, and who God is showing me to be. That's what I'm going to do. That's what I feel God is telling me to do. And I can't wait to see what this new love and new year brings." Oh my goodness, this year has succeeded with obtaining that goal so much! Although the year started off slow and shaky, every single day lead to that self-love I wanted to have and in discovering who God wanted me to become. It began on my birthday, in May, when I reached a low and realized I needed to seek some help. I made an appointment with a mental health facility for therapy and a psychiatrist. This was confirmed when I went to campout, gave it all to God, and not only had a wonderful time while actually making friends, but having it confirmed to me that seeking help was the right thing to do. I consider the months of May-July the climax of my story for 2016. From this point on is when taking care of myself began, thus encouraging self-love in the process. My mind began to expand, as if a whole other realm in my brain was discovered allowing me to think clearly and enjoy everyday life fully for the first time. I truly had no idea how much I was struggling until everyday was no longer an exhausting fight just to get out of bed. I now have energy, concentration, and motivation to actually take action into bettering and improving my life. September-December is the plot twist and cliff hanger of my year. Near the end of September, I woke up one morning with a very strong, and very random, feeling that I needed to change my major. Long story short, I did, and I switched to Early Childhood education. Within the next week or so I also got a part time job at a Christian school in town as well. HUGE plot twist, MAJOR blessing. Everything was falling into place, I was stepping out on faith, taking an initiative...and now, I seem to be searching for even more. Cliff hanger. Which brings me to my resolution for 2017: Step into adulthood Let's face it, although legally I've been considered an adult since I turned 18, between all the moves, depression, and anxiety, I'm a late bloomer. I, personally, never consider anyone a legit adult until, like, 28 anyways. But this year I want to grab adulthood by the horns, look it in the eyes, and say bring it on! 2017 is the year that I am going to thrive and accomplish more than ever! I'd say I am a different person than I was this time last year, but when we fast forward a year from now, I want to have completely transformed my way of living. I feel a strong call to do more and be more, so once again I'm looking to God on what move to make next. So far I've been able to conquer every resolution I've made as long as I turned to Him, and I know He never stirs me wrong. I am so thankful for how great 2016 was and cannot wait to get started with tackling 2017!! 2016 was amazing. Here's to 2017 being life changing! Much love and God bless, -X
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Tonight I'm triggered. Even after 5 years clean of cutting, I still get triggered. This boggles me.
I have been laying in bed for hours trying to find the source of why I am feeling this way. What is causing me to miss cutting, after it almost took my life, why in the world would I ever want to go back to that. I don't have an answer. I understand that it's an addiction. But usually I at least know why, or what, is drawing me to the addiction. Sadness. Anger. Anxiety. Feeling hopeless. None of these fit how I feel right now. I'm the happiest with my life I have ever been. And here I am, wanting to cut, and MISSING IT! For no apparent reason. I don't have an answer to end this blog with, aside from the opposition wanting to steal my joy. However, I will end with saying that I am more than how I feel in this moment. This single moment of confusion and trigger will not keep me from a bright, healthy, and happy future. God is greater than this addiction, and I am not about to ruin my 5 year streak on a moment of weakness when I have God as my strength. Keep fighting. You can do this. Much love and God bless, -X |
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July 2019
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