On July 29th I made it 5 years clean of my addiction to cutting. However, this past week I have been struggling.
Sometimes I miss it. In this very moment, I actually miss it. I can't even think of an answer as to why that is other than its an addiction. And as an addict of self harm, I will always fight that battle. There will always be a war in my head that makes determining truths and lies unimaginably hard. Am I really alone, or is this another lie my depression is making me feel? Is this really such a tragic moment as I'm making it out to be, or is it just another lie? This may seem easy to answer as I'm writing this, but in the moment it is much more difficult to decipher. Right now I miss the sting. I miss the rush. I miss how it woke me up from the numbness, from the fog, and made me feel alive again...even if it was just for a second. Sometimes I even miss the scars, because for some reason that made me feel strong. Like I was a warrior, and they were my battle wounds. But I have to tell myself I do not miss the life those memories accompany. I do NOT miss living in a constant fog. I do NOT miss wearing long sleeve shirts and sweaters all the time. I do NOT miss hiding secrets from my loved ones. I do NOT miss locking myself away for a "fix". I do NOT miss the panic attack that came along if I couldn't cut when I needed to. I do NOT miss feeling out of control. I do NOT miss my mind telling me that cutting wasn't enough and that the only way for the torture to end was to die. I do NOT miss being literally unable to cry...or feel anything at all. I DO NOT miss that life. I DO NOT want to go back. I DO NOT want to be that person again. I don't need to turn back to that for survival anymore. God is all that I need. He is greater than my addiction. And because of that, I am no longer just surviving, but I am living! Cutting did not make me strong. Overcoming the addiction makes me strong. Getting the help I need makes me strong. Talking about it makes me strong. And turning to Christ makes me strong. Because of Him, I can face the moments where my depression gets the best of me. Because of Him, I will be able to push through my anxiety. Because of Him, I can fight my addiction and continue staying clean. So even when I feel like I'm not strong enough to get through, that's ok. Because God is strong enough. I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. -Philippians 4:13 Much love and God bless, -X For those who would like to see my video about being 5 years clean, please click here!
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July 2019
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