As much as I felt thankful during this holiday brake, mental illness never ceases to strike to try and steal my joy.
I suppose it’s my own fault. During this break I skipped my Prozac one night. I made sure to take it the next night, but then the night after that I fell asleep before I had a chance. This is usually not a big issue. This time it was a big issue. Black Friday, was indeed, a Black Friday. I went out shopping with my sister and my nieces. It was all fine and dandy. Until I couldn’t really find anything to buy that got me excited. I knew this was lame and not a big deal. I knew where it was coming from. I shook it off. I was fine. I came home. I was tired. I could feel something was off. I knew it was consuming me. But still, I was fine. Until I wasn’t. Until I was bawling my eyes out. My emotions changing every few minutes. Furious. Depressed. Anxious. Hurt. I felt like I was having a temper tantrum. You guys, I caught myself as I almost screamed at my mother saying “you don’t understand!!!” Like I was 16 again. That’s when it hit me...that this little sway in my routine made a big difference. It may have been ok one time to miss a few days of my medicine here and there, but not this time. Mental illness is not very predictable. And the opposition loves to throw curve balls when you think everything is fine. He loves to take your moments of peace and joy and stomp all over them. But knowing where your feelings are coming from and how you can cope and fix it is half the battle. When you’re down it is an opportunity to learn, grow, and be stronger for next time. That next moment you feel blessed and are praising God, and Satan is all “I’ll just see about that...” You’ll be ready! You’ll be able to flick him away like the insignificant gnat that he is and say “Not today Satan!” Because God allows all things to come together for our good! I struggle. Often. But that struggle reminds me of how God works everyday in my life. How He saved me at my lowest. It makes my faith stronger. My mental illness is my testimony to how INCREDIBLE God is! Moral of the story? The opposition is sneaky and petty and will try to wreck you every chance he gets, but God knows this. He sees you. He hears you. He’s. Got. This! Use the tools He gives you and what He’s taught you, and know that He’ll take it from there. Much love and God bless, -X
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Happy Thanksgiving everyone! The year 2018 has been such a blessing and I have so much to be thankful for! I started off the year having my weight loss surgery in February! It was so easy and smooth for me and in recovery I needed no pain meds! Not to mention the whole surgery ended up being free!
The blessings were just getting started after my surgery! I finished off the school year at Park Street preschool with some amazing people l, went into my summer job at the Kroc Center day camp, having a blast as always, and saw Taylor Swift! Then I headed to California for the summer! My first time traveling alone and on a plane!! Camp out, Universal, Disney, the ocean, and FAMILY! Such an amazing experience! When the summer ended I was stuck for a minute as I was trying to find another part time job with children. Thankfully I got to know some people at the Kroc center over the summer and was able to get a position with their after school program. I honestly think this is one of the best things that’s ever happen to me! I feel so welcomed and a part of something special, and of course all the wonderful kiddos!! Soon after I got that job I did some practicum at Edison elementary and decided that I didn’t want to stop coming, so I signed up to volunteer and ended up in the same classroom! These two things combined, work and volunteering, my cup is seriously overflowing with blessings of cute children and wonderful friendships with staff! I also become a Zumba kid instructor, as I flew to Georgia to get certified and also had a wonderful time with my cousin at her home! I haven’t put this to use yet, but plans for this next year are in the works!! Now for the present! Student teaching is right around the corner after Christmas break! I am preparing for this, graduation, and loving every second of my healthier and happier life!! I am so extremely thankful for all God has provided for me and my family this year and all that’s to come in this next year! My life is coming together and I praise God for His wonderful plan for me and how I can see it happening each day! I hope everyone is having a wonderful Thanksgiving and takes a moment to be thankful for all they have. Much love and God bless, -X Do you ever feel like you’re in mourning? Your life is great. You’re genuinely happy. You see your life progressing and you know The Lord is working with you...but night hits. Everything becomes quiet. Your heart sinks in your chest. Like you lost something?
Is that the depression talking? Just when I think I understand the complexity of depression it surprises me. I’m fully aware of the silliness these feelings are. By silliness I do not mean unimportant, but how unnecessary it is for me to feel like I am mourning anything. There is no logical reason why I should feel so emotional, but here I am, feeling the need to cry while asking myself why in the world do I feel like I just went through a tragic event? There are so many layers and faces to depression. Some may think this sounds similar to other experiences I’ve written about, and you’d be right. They are similar, but slightly different. They all make you feel. Feel A LOT. All at once. But in different ways you didn’t even know you could feel. I am just thankful that this time, I’m aware that I’m ok. I’m aware that I am safe. I know there is nothing to mourn. There is no tragedy currently, nor is one expected to arise anytime soon (I’m talking to you, anxiety!). I am well. My family is well. I KNOW everything is fine. I may not be able to control how I currently feel, but I can control how I respond to these feelings. This time the depression does not control me. Instead, I will write it out. I will get in bed. I will take my medicine, that I thank The Lord He has provided for me, and I will go to sleep. Depression does not get to keep me up tonight and mess with my head. Tonight, depression will be put to rest, because my God is stronger, and I am calling upon Him to remove this unnecessary stress. I took my pills. I said my prayers. I gave it to God. I’ve done all I can do. And suddenly, the world does not feel like it’s falling anymore. There is no more mourning. I can sleep. Remember you can give it to God and go to sleep, too. Much love and God bless, -X People have asked me why I share such personal things on social media and expressed concerns how I speak openly about my mental illness.
I totally get it. There are times people definitely over share; not everyone cares what we ate for dinner or that we’re at the gym again. I’m totally guilty of those things! My motto, if it bothers you, unfollow. I share a lot of my life because I have moved 10 times and have a large natural and spiritual family that lives all over the country and that’s the only way we keep tabs. But I share my story and my testimony because it needs to be said. Everyone’s does! Mental illness is so stigmatized that many feel they cannot talk about it. That it SHOULD NOT be talked about. It’s a “bad thing” and only “crazy” people have a mental illness. If someone is struggling with a mental illness they must be “really unstable, stay away from them”. That is why I talk about it. The more something is talked about, the less it because uncommon or unheard of. The more we talk about mental illness, the more others feel free to share their stories because they realize they are not alone. They are, in fact, NOT CRAZY and it is NOT A BAD THING! Many people struggle with some sort of mental illness and it is not that uncommon. Many worry for how people perceive me because I am so open with my walk with depression, anxiety, cutting, and suicidal thoughts. What if a guy is interested in you but doesn’t take the chance to know you because he doesn’t want to get involved with all that? My answer is simple for that one. Then he’s not the one. How about when trying to get a job and people look you up and see that you’re struggling with all these thoughts? This one is a bit more complicated. I really don’t know how to answer it, because I can see this being a legitimate circumstance. When I talked this over with my mom, my instinct response was that the reason and outcome of sharing this is so much bigger than that. I can’t play the “what if” game when the reasoning behind sharing my story is so much greater than a chance that future employment will see that I get depressed, have anxiety, used to cut, and was suicidal, and that occasionally these emotions rise to the surface. If I would have known someone who experienced things as I did when I was a teenager and in the thick of my depression I KNOW things would have been different. Maybe I would have gotten help sooner? Maybe I wouldn’t have thought that all my feelings were “wrong” and “crazy”, but realized where they were coming from. Maybe I wouldn’t have started cutting in the first place? Maybe I would have turned to God sooner? Maybe... None of that matters now. I can’t change what happened or dwell on what could have been. But I can provide that source for someone else. I can hope and pray that me “over sharing” connects with someone who needs to see it. Someone who needs to know that things get better and that their feelings are valid. That God is with them, even when it doesn’t seem like it one bit. I truly feel God had me go through everything I have so I can share it with other people. That is what a testimony is for! It is PROOF of what God can do. If anything needs to be over shared, it is THAT! So hit like, or keep scrolling, it does not matter to me. Post your food pics, your gym selfies, or all those back to school pictures that flood our times lines! Do what makes you happy! If it’s not hurting anyone, who cares? But most importantly, share your testimony! There is not one too small or one too big that you should not share! People need to know what God can do. They need to know miracles happen. That Gods love changes everything! That He is there for them, and that others are as well. If sharing even helps one person, that’s all that matters. That’s why I share. Much love and God bless, -X The past two days have been weird. Something happened that triggered my mental state and it completely threw me for a loop. I wasn’t ready. What was my first thought?
It’d be better if I was dead. I know that’s not the answer. I KNOW it makes zero sense. But that’s what popped into my head. And that’s something that has not come back in a long time. I was 16 all over again. If I was dead I wouldn’t be a burden. If I was dead it would cost my family less money. If I was dead my parents would have one less thing to worry about. Do I have life insurance...maybe I’m worth more dead than I am alive. How do you get life insurance...? This is all utter nonsense. But nonetheless how my mind reacted. Once everything hit me, the new information I was given, the way I was feeling, I instantly wanted to cut. Everything that I was feeling can be described in one image. A knife. That’s what my therapist had me do anyways, describe how I was feeling with an image. The first thing that came to mind was a large steel knife. “How does that make you feel?” “Tempted”. All I’ve wanted to do these past few days is scream, cry, and dig my nails into my skin until I bleed. Because that’s what I used to do when it hurt to breathe. That was my go-to solution when I couldn’t feel a thing because I was so numb. I would cut, and I could breathe again. Feel again. I was relaxed and calm. I know now that it just creates a vicious circle and essentially does no good and makes everything worse. But in the moment there seem to be only two choices: cut yourself and relax, or resist and go absolutely mad in the meantime. I’ve gone mad in the past. By mad, I mean quite insane to the point where I do not feel I have any control over my mind and my actions. It is absolutely terrifying and it is a place I would not wish onto anyone. So you can see my dilemma when the urge to cut is there, because either way my mind is a literal hell. But “at least when I cut there’s a moment of release”. In that mindset, a moment feels quite tempting. And so worth it. Here’s the weird part. Right now, I think I’m fine. I don’t feel tempted, I don’t feel like I’m going mad. If anything, I’m numb. But a confused numb I suppose. Because this morning, I literally could not tell my therapist with absolute certainty that I would be ok when I left. I just couldn’t. See, how I visualize my mental illness is like Venom from Marvel, well known from Spider-Man. It’s this slithery, black, tar like substance that just consumes your whole body and you can’t get out. Once you’re bonded with Venom it’s hard to get rid of him, encouraging your darkest thoughts and desires, and becoming more monstrous and psychotic. That is why this is all so terrifying. Once those thoughts return I never know if they’re just visiting or here to stay. Maybe I’m fine, or not feeling much of anything, right now, but that in itself worries me because that’s not a good sign either. I said I would only post positive things in this blog. But this is not a very positive post. Perhaps the positivity in this post is the sheer awareness of how I’m feeling, what I’m dealing with, and how I know I DON’T want to live this way? Or maybe it’s just that I’m being open, honest, and showing others that other people feel this way and this stuff happens, and you’re not alone. Either way, I’m posting this to all of you, whoever wishes to read this. Asking for prayers and letting the world know that I don’t know if I’m ok, and that will have to be enough for right now, taking it one moment at a time. For years now, I have been very open about my mental health and how The Lord has helped me through my mental illnesses. Depression, anxiety, addiction to cutting, and suicidal thoughts ran my life from the ages of 14-18. The summer after I graduated I planned to make that my final summer…ever. God had other plans.
That summer in 2011 Jesus reached out to me. It wasn’t audible, it wasn’t a vision, or a giant sign in the sky. I know He does those things, but that is not how he talked to me that summer. He tapped lightly on my heart, just enough for my mind to realize I didn’t have to feel so tragic all the time. Just enough for me to say “What do I have to lose? Let me reach out for help one last time.” This time I reached out to the saints, and to God. I was fully prepared to end my life and once I “gave up”, or rather, let go and let God, LITERALLY everything changed. I saw hope where there I thought there was none. I physically felt lighter, as if a burden was actually lifted off of my shoulders. Everything changed. He changed me. It took me until 2013 to finally ask for my baptism, but I did! 5 years ago, on April 7th, I made the decision to be baptized and live my life for Christ. I try to do this, write everything out and relay my testimony, every year around this day. Sometimes it still baffles me how I came to be who I am today from the person I was. But I never want to forget my darkest moments. I CANNOT forget how low I fell, so low that I planned my suicide. I felt so much internally that I became numb. I felt nothing, and that is the worst feeling of them all. Those moments I refuse to forget because it reminds me how God works. How much Jesus truly loves me and never forgot me. When I asked for my baptism the gift of tongues was spoken and translated to “A calling that is true, saith The Lord, a calling that is true!” He called ME! The one who made this whole world, wants me! Isn’t that so awesome to think about!? He touched my heart, worked with me (and still does!!), and called me to the waters. He can do that for anyone…ANYONE! I am just so overjoyed right now and love my Lord, so much! As always, know that I am here if anyone needs someone to talk to. And of course, know that God is ALWAYS there for you as well. Much love and God bless, -X In medical terms I learned that the abbreviation “R/O” stands for “rule out”, as in looking further into this possible diagnosis to see if they can rule it out. As of a few months ago, my chart now includes a new note that says “R/O PTSD”.
This is a new one. For those that don’t know, PTSD stands for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I have always been an open book with everyone when it comes to my mental health and discussing the ups and downs and all that I’ve been through. I do this to show people that mental illness is not an uncommon thing and that people can feel that it is ok to talk about because it’s not weird, I’d say it’s actually quite normal. Everyone has something they go through. But this PTSD thing is throwing me off. I don’t know how to talk about this. I don’t even know how to describe this or express my thoughts on this situation. Writing like this, out in the open, is very therapeutic for me. Knowing I am sending my thoughts out into the world, it’s almost like setting it all free. Kind of like a confession I guess, but with a hope that someone may read it and realize they are not alone. It’s my group therapy with the world, or the very small part that reads my blog anyways. Which is why it is so hard to write about this when I don’t know how to explain. Something happened, or may not have happened, in my past to cause this. It’s been on my mind for years now and I’m finally confronting it. I believe something probably did happen, I am just very unsure of all the particulars. This makes me think I’m crazy. How can I claim this or feel this way with absolutely no memory of this possible event happening? But if nothing happened why do I have the strong feeling that something did? I’m not even sure if I’m going to end up actually posting this because...well...what if nothing ever happened and I actually am just a tad bit crazy. What is people this I’m crazy? I’m not even sure if this post makes any sense. I might very well wake up in the morning and delete this completely. But I want to be open about these things. People shouldn’t feel crazy for going through stuff! No one should feel how I currently feel. When I started this blog site I said there would never be any negative or depressing posts. Everything would end on a positive note. This one is no different. This trial is no different. It will end on a positive note. I will figure this out, just as I figured out all the rest. With God. He knows what is going on with me, He knows how I feel, and He has all the answers that I am looking for. Most importantly, He knows what He’s doing and His plan is perfect. So I will continue to put my faith in Him and pray for His strength to help me through. I ask for your prayers tonight. And pray that whoever reads this knows you are not alone in whatever you may be going through. Your feelings are valid. Much love & God bless, -X The New Year is approaching and every year I like to reflect on my goals I made for this year and create new ones for the upcoming year. My resolution for 2017 was to "Step into adulthood". To quote my New Year's blog post from last year... "2017 is the year that I am going to thrive and accomplish more than ever! I'd say I am a different person than I was this time last year, but when we fast forward a year from now, I want to have completely transformed my way of living. I feel a strong call to do more and be more, so once again I'm looking to God on what move to make next. So far I've been able to conquer every resolution I've made as long as I turned to Him, and I know He never stirs me wrong." ...boy, was I ambitious! The end of 2016 I felt like I was on top of the world, so I had a tremendous amount of ambition and passion. 2017 came and now it is coming to an end, and I can't help but ask myself, have I failed to meet my goal for the year? Thinking on this and realizing I did not accomplish everything I thought I would in 2017 I started to worry and feel extremely upset. How could I have let this happen? As I stated above, I have never failed as long as I turned to God? Does that mean I was not focused on Him enough? Did I do something wrong? Then I stopped. Because I am better than this. I am not going to let the opposition turn me negative going into the new year. So I pushed those nasty comments and thoughts aside, said not today satan, and try to look at everything I did do this year. (I'm really working on "focus on what I CAN not what I can't" because my therapist knows what's up! lol!) This year I finished the 2016-2017 school year with Ashland Christian. I cried my eyes out on the last day because I knew I was going to miss my babies so much. I worked my first summer job with the Kroc Center and connected with many more tiny humans, even some not so tiny humans, as the 12/13 year old boys were taller than me! I attended my church Camp Out and I rocked it! I felt "IN", I made the most of my time there, and there was no post camp depression (God bless!). I had my first birthday in 5 years where depression did not stand in the way of me experiencing a HAPPY birthday! That was mind blowing because it felt so foreign! I changed therapists, shout out to PFHL! I started working at the Y preschool, made a hard decision to change jobs, started a new job with Park Street Preschool. This was probably the hardest part of my year. I continued with my classes and can now start a timeline of when student teaching starts! My GPA dropped a few points, but learned an important lesson that I do not have to be perfect and a 3.95 is still going strong. I canceled my summer Europe trip, but used the money I got back to buy tickets for California this summer and planned a summer there for camp, staying with family, and experiencing California for the first time (and a weekend in AZ!). I experienced challenges, had breakdowns, and overcame them all with God, bringing me closer to Him and reminding me everyday that I ALWAYS NEED HIM! Oh, and our family got a kitten, Oliver! ADORABLE!! This year has been hard, but good to me! I may not have transformed my life completely like I wanted, but I feel strongly that 2016 was the beginning with "loving myself". That was the start of when I began to change. 2017 was a bridge. It was, indeed, a STEP into adulthood. I stepped onto the bridge that was 2017 and went into the journey that is LIVING. With everything I learned over the past few years I was actually just able to maintain and live! Nothing mind blowing happened, no big, life-altering changes, I was just able to "be". That transformation that I was looking for is coming, I was just a year early. 2018, not that is going to be LIFE CHANGING! I'll become the person I always dreamed of becoming. I'll be so close to starting my teaching career I can taste it! I'll be turning 25!! Traveling across the country! Excelling at living!. THAT'S THE GOAL FOR 2018! To excel at living! Now that I was able to just "be", I shall be extraordinary! I have never felt so ready to begin and take on a new year! I pray you all have a happy New Year and feel like you can be extraordinary in this new year as well! Much love & God bless, -X My past blog posts were kind of disheartening. I was struggling a lot the past few months. Recently my meds have been upped once again and I have been doing a lot better. God has been very good and I have not had any meltdowns or panic attacks since, thank God.
I am concerned, however, because my meds have gone as high as they can go. If I happen to have another downward spiral, they cannot make my dosage any higher and would have to switch my medicine. Anyone who deals with mental illness knows how struggling this can be, as you can only find the right medicine for you and your situation through trial and error. I was thankful enough where I did not experience much of this and had quick success with my second try of meds. The first ones I tried I could tell right away that they were only making me worse. Jesus and Prozac have been my go-to combo. I am honestly scared what will happen if I have to start from scratch with a new medicine. I have come so far over the past year and a half. I used to feel paralyzed in my home, not confident that I could do much of anything. My anxiety and depression controlled my life, and now I have a better control of them, and am still learning every day. I’m a year out from being down with school. I have held four different jobs, some part time and one seasonal full time. My thinking process and how I go about day to day is completely different and insanely improved. I know this was all God guiding me through the paths I needed to take to help me with my mental illness. I know He can do it all again if need be. Just wanted to let everybody know that life is good right now. I am good right now. And God is continually Good ALL THE TIME! I just ask for your prayers that this dosage of medicine may be the “magic” dose for me and will not need to be changed or altered anymore. Much love and God bless. -X As the year is close to coming to an end and I am reflecting on the blessings in my life, I have so much to be thankful for this year. I am always extremely thankful for my family and how close we are. This year we were able to celebrate thanksgiving with family, extended family, and church family which made it a triple blessing! Many of which we were first introduced to today and it felt like we knew each other a long time, I felt so blessed by this.
I am also so thankful for all the opportunities that have come and are coming my family's way. God is clearly working in our lives and I am always so amazed at His work and forever thankful. Lastly, I am extremely blessed with my current job. I have never felt such a connection to those I work with and fit in so easily. It feels like a little family with my coworkers and I felt welcome from the moment I was there. It is so clear to me how God worked this out at just the right time. Don't even get me started with all the kiddos, I'll full on cry tears of joy. When I think of this gem of a preschool I found, my cup seriously overflows. I am just so happy! I'm making this short and sweet this year, even though I could write a book on all the things God has done this year and what I am thankful for. God is good! I hope you all took some time to reflect on what He has done for you and that you see all you have to be thankful for. Much love & God bless, -X |
AuthorVerse of the DayArchives
July 2019
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